Hati Hati Di Jalan!

Beware of "The Hole"; see description below.

Since my fieldwork is winding down here and since I've motored almost 10,000 kilometers on the highways and byways of Sumatra, I thought I'd take the time to put together this driving guide for other foreigners thinking about taking to the roads here. Whereas the United States has a Transportation Safety Administration (TSA), whose ambit it is to ensure that the roads and everything them are safe, Indonesia has a Transportation Hazard Authority whose job it is to go around and make sure that a hint of death is included in any journey. Another thing to remember is that there aren't many parks or commons on Sumatra, and so the road becomes the center of village activity. People relax and recreate, commune and cogitate on the road. Children play by the road. They even have weddings on the road. So without further ado, here are some basic survival rules for driving on Sumatra.

Rules of the Road

Your guess is as good as mine.

1.  Don't be fatalistic!  Even though you will likely die on the road, there is still a chance that you will make it through. Drivers that have reconciled themselves with what they see to be an inevitable end are invariably more dangerous than those that are clinging to the notion that they just may get out alive because the former tend to adopt a kamikaze approach to getting from point A to point B. So be optimistic! But optimism must be tempered with realism, so remember the next rule as well....

2. Put your affairs in order... When a foreigner dies here it creates a lot of paperwork. Most civil servants here already have their plates full doing double-duty watching TV and smoking cigarettes AT THE SAME TIME, which is stressful. Dead foreigners gunk up the normally fluidly-flowing wheels of the bureaucracy here and can result in delays in backdoor payments to district headmen and assembly members. So do everyone a favor and make sure you've printed out your last will, testament, and burial instructions, translated them into Indonesian, and pinned them to a conspicuous location on your person. It would also help to put them in a waterproof, flame-retardant bag as well.  

3.  Know your vehicle.  This one is serious.  You need to know the ends and outs of what you are driving and how it responds in a variety of road conditions.  You also probably ought to be able to handle simple maintenance and be able to make modifications based on the terrain and conditions.  For me it's a motorcycle, which is the best way to get around the island.  You need to know which way the bike is going to torque when you slam on the brakes, you need to be able to handle skids and slides, and you need to be able to protect yourself in case you fall.  With a bike you have to pay attention to your brakes, chain, and tires.  Make sure the tires are fully inflated on the road, but if your on gravel you'll need to let some air out.  Rock roads or riverbeds, let a little more out.  A light bike is better because it is easier to push through the mud.  I carry a studded tire with me that I can switch out if I'm going to be spending a lot of time on mud and dirt.

4.  Wear boots.  Even if you are going on a short journey, make sure you have the proper footwear.  I learned this lesson the hard way when I was driving down the rock road down towards Tamiai while wearing slippers and a 1 kilogram stone popped up out of my wheel and hamburgered my right foot.  Boots are also handy because there are a lot of times where you need to use your feet to steer.


5.  Keep your eyes on the road.  This pretty much goes without saying, but when driving through new and beautiful places (like Sumatra), you may be tempted to let your eyes drift and enjoy the scenery.  Try to avoid this, and if you see something cool STOP and take a picture.  This is really important because most of the time you will need your full concentration to track all of the potential threats to your safety.  I am not kidding about this.  One time I was cruising through a village and I rubbernecked to check out the bunga desa (1).  As a result I went careening off into the oil palms and fell down (2).  So don't rubberneck to check out the bunga desa.

Dangers of Driving

Next we have a catalogue of typical dangers you'll face.  Most of these are no big deal by themselves, but in most cases you are going to be dealing with two, three or even four of these at the same time.  Also remember that the principle danger is other "drivers"; most people on Sumatra know how to operate a motor vehicle but there are only about 5 people, myself included, on the whole island that actually know how to drive.



Rasta Goats.  These guys are usually too bombed out of their heads to know what's going on  They usually have their little minds on wondering when Haile Selassie will come back to take them all away to Goat Zion (Gion (3)), and sometimes when they get the munchies they will leap out into the road looking for Funyuns.  Do not kick these.



Road Dogs.  You can, however, kick this next hazard.  You see, a dog has a lot more give than a goat, so you can deliver a boot to a dog's hindquarters going at a pretty good clip (4).  Dogs are everywhere on Sumatra, and I hate them.  I'd like to chop them all up and ship them over to my friend Ratna in Jogja to make hound-ke-bobs.  If you happen to run over a dog, keep going, because here they have this crazy notion that if you hit a dog you have to pay the owner some indemnity.  There's always someone lurking around waiting to pounce, and if you stop after hitting the pooch they'll ambush you with some story about how that was their prize tracking hound and how they were just about to sell the dog to the district headman for US$500.  I'm convinced that people "farm" dogs for this express purpose.

This next picture above shows a variant of the Road Dog, which I refer to as the Lazarus Dog. The Lazarus Dog lies around in the street all day looking dead to all the world. There's probably even some flies buzzing around him. But once you get anywhere near the Lazarus Dog he'll spring to life and dash right in front of you.




Merangin School Bus.  Be very careful of this vehicle because it moves erratically and makes frequent stops.  It likely doesn't have brake lights, because its driver has disabled the wiring because it's "cooler" to drive without lights.  Similar to the Cloverfield Monster, the Merangin School Bus spawns our next danger.



Little Bastards. Sure they are cute and all foreigners love to take pictures of the smiling kiddies. But in the road they constitute a major problem. If you run over one of these the local villagers will descend upon you and kill you.

The Kijang.  Note the dinky little tires. 

The Kijang.  "Kijang" means "look out because I don't know how to %$#@ing drive" in Indonesian.  It's very considerate of the Indonesians to have come up with a single word that succinctly conveys these sentiments.  The Kijang is a Toyota SUV manufactured especially for Indonesia.  I don't know what it is about these, but for some reason they are normally driven by people whose motoring skills are even worse than the general population.  The typical Kijang driver is quite proud of himself for achieving the lofty heights of Kijang Ownership, and most of the time they drive around in a state of transcendent obliviousness I've seldom seen outside isolated Buddhist monasteries.  "Kijang" has become a curse word for me.  "I got Kijanged!" I often find myself saying aloud.  So take the name seriously, and look out, especially for the model shown in the picture.



The Mosque Fund.  Anyone that has driven through rural Sumatra knows the one thing they really need is more mosques.  To address this problem you often come across groups that have placed obstacles on the provincial or national road in front of the mosque construction site to slow motorists so that they can be asked for donations.  As you can see from the picture, little bastards (see hazard description above) are often charged with this task.  Sometimes you will see some little bastards actually sitting on chairs in the middle of the road to collect money.



The Patch/The Hole.  The Hole is pretty self explanatory.  There are a lot of holes on the road and in many cases you will not be able to avoid them.  Holes are caused by the tropical weather here, but also by lack of maintenance and because when they first build the roads they often use inferior materials, which break down quickly.  But whatever the cause is, holes are a major annoyance and danger, and they put a lot of wear and tear on your vehicle.  The Patch is a hazard I've encountered, but I can't figure out why it exists.  In many places, especially along the road from Sungai Penuh to Bangko you will see these sections of road where the asphalt has been replaced by rocks.  It's not that the asphalt has worn away, because The Patch is higher than the surrounding asphalt.  And it's not the remnants of a landslide (which you will encounter).  It probably has something to do with the Zionist One World Government conspiracy.

The Blind Curve.  Again, by itself the blind curve is not so bad, but you have to remember that there's always going to be another hazard working in tandem with the blind curve.  Sometimes it's 7-year olds racing and biting into the turn.  Sometimes there's a big whole just around the bend.  You never know what surprises are waiting for you just around the corner.  I once went around a blind curve and drove straight through a swarm of bees.  Not fun.

Notes

(1)  "Flower of the village"

(2)  I have fallen exactly four times.  Two of those were while I was working my way down gravel slopes at approximately three kilometers per hour (gravel is very difficult to drive on, especially going downhill; work the back brake only).  Another time I fell from a dead stop (described in a previous post).  This particular time I was probably going 15 kph but I was able to prepare myself so I didn't get hurt.

(3)  Not to be confused with the famous geisha neighborhood of Kyoto

(4)  You can also kick a monkey if you need to, but they normally stay out of the way.  Unless of course you inadvertently stop to pee where a bunch of them are hanging out.  In this case you might get bumrushed.